Toronto Mall Panic!

As the title says while I was in Toronto back in November I had an episode.. It was quiet frightening and I remember it everyday as if it happened the day before. Malls are no longer my fav place to go which is weird for me being a girl.. Retail Therapy. But that doesn't even give me motivation to go to a mall, only because most times I go it is busy with tons of people and lately a lot of people is not my fav thing to be around.

Panicking for hours

Recently things have been bad for me well mentally bad, I've really been struggling with anxiety and keeping myself together which for me nothing used to bother me, nothing ever phased me. I was busy with school, friends, a boyfriend, partying.. etc. But then everything fell apart from every direction and I was left with nothing, I no longer had a direction in life or anything form of motivation to keep me going in the right direction. I think that’s when things started getting bad for it and me has been hard to pick me self-back up and find a path to go on and keep moving forward.  Lately anxiety has been giving me a really hard time and I've finally gotten to the point of being sick and tired and panicking all day for hours on end that I want help any form of help will due. Anxiety has pushed me over the edge to a point of I realize nothing is going to get better around me if I don't do something about it. I can't move onto bigger and better things if I don't get help. Who's with me... oh no one ok cool...   :S The panicking off and on for a hour or so is new to me it definitely sucks and is something I'm not used to. Before I would get anxious and then either calm down or freak out but now it is like anxiousness for a hour.. Off and on no matter how hard I try to get it to stop It still happens. It is a battle I'm losing....

Social Anxiety issues... freaking out in public.. NOT Fun

P.S This Blog post stressed me out writing it and it is long.. sorry

This post will go perfect with current and previous situations that have happened to me, recently I was in a public area with lots of people and I freaked out.. of course. But leading up to that through out the day I knew I was going to be in an area with lots of people. So about 30 minutes leading up to it I started to panic a bit but I didn't tell anyone until it was too far gone, then I proceeded to the place with lots of people and at the time was a restaurant in niagara falls, ontario and so as I was walking to it with my family I started to panic a bit more and at this time I was trying to stop it but it wasn't working out well. I sat down with my family and the waiter took our drink our and brought us bread with butter and cold waters to start. By now I was starving and so I ate some of the bread and I thought that If i ordered an alcoholic drink that I would settle down.. WRONG it made things worse as well at that time I was in pain because of a monthly gift.. fml so nothing was going well at this point and I knew I needed to calm down before this got out of control in a public setting. So I ordered my food and was drinking my cosmo and I was feeling worse and worse but I just thought to keep drinking and it will numb everything.. nope. So once the food came I was feeling as if i had to leave and this was my Birthday Dinner with family I didn't want to have to leave the table but it got to be too much and when the food came I was not hungry at all and that is what Anxiety does.. it suppresses your appetite. So I was starving when I got the restaurant and Anxiety strikes and I was no longer hungry and I hadn't eaten that much during the day with it being my Birthday I should of though. Once I felt it was too much I said I needed to step out of the restaurant for a minute to calm down so my dads GF came with me and she understands all of this. So I went out into the mall away from the restaurant and it was full of people which didn't help things but I decided to walk around with her for a few minutes just to figure out what was going through my mind. I did go back to the restaurant and sit down and I nibbled on my food but was completely not hungry now, I decided that the alcoholic drink wasn't going to help anything so I switched to water a safer choice. I did take a pain killer once I got back to the table and once my mind knew I was going to not be in pain anymore I was fine.. Its like nothing happened.. I chatted with family and enjoyed the rest of the meal and then all I wanted to do was leave and go walk around the falls,  after we left I needed to change shoes as they were hurting my feet so I went with my dads GF to the car and I was still panicking a bit after we changed shoes I met back up with them and we walked around the falls and I slowly started to settle down and enjoyed the rest of the night. Once I got home I thought well nothing was going to happen why on Earth did I freak out... I wanted a do over of my birthday Dinner.. lol but that wasn't going to happen. Social Anxiety Sucks!

Anxiety In The Work Place...

Anxiety at work.. OMG this gives me Anxiety just thinking about it. This is the toughest for me to deal with currently because it is so present for me. I've been having a lot of Anxiety at work lately well it is as I'm going into work. I don't know why I think it is because I hate my job so much. Ya that’s it.. Problem solved.... Wrong! There is a lot of past incidents with my work that I hate and regret but work is work and it pays my bills.  Some days. Wait most days I wish I was loaded and could not work and just sit in bed and blog and make YouTube Videos daily and watch my bank account fill up... Feel me. I'm not going to go into details about past incidents but they've been horrible and it is practically impossible in my city to find another job and especially one that has full benefits and flexible hours since I've been there for 6 years. Which is 6 years too long. lol It also might have something to do with the fact that I feel like I live there I mean I'm only part time but I’m there 30 hours a week. It is hard for me to work through the anxiety but 99% of the time by the time I'm about 5 minutes into my shift.. I'm fine. Other times I've gotten to work and just panicked for about an hour off an on which sucks because my mind is eventually fucking with me. It is hard for me to deal with this because my work doesn't understand when I say I need to leave for a few minutes to calm down.. it just isn't possible, because my work is a grocery store and that is customer based so I'm always serving customers and that’s all they care about is serving customers so it is all about the money.. Figures that don't pay me enough to deal with the daily shit that I do deal with and then they don't understand my Anxiety and sometimes I can't control it and I need out of there... this is all just too much for me most days to handle. I could probably ramble on for ever here so I'm going to end it here.. feel free  to email, tweet.. etc to contact me! 

Hello My Names Anxiety..Fuck you

Before I begin this blog post, I'd like to let you know that this is quite a personal thing for me to write, but I wanted to share this with you as I'm hoping that if you're reading this as a panic attack sufferer, I may help you in some way. Alternatively, if you are reading this and you know someone who suffers with panic attacks, I hope I can help you get a better understanding and display ways in which you can show support.

Hello My Names Anxiety... What’s yours... Stress... ohh. For some this is common for others this is news to them. A lot of people struggle with panic attacks, mental health, anxiety everyday, which can be a royal pain in the ass! I should know I deal with it on a daily basis. Different things trigger anxiety for me and it will be different for everyone. People think that if you have anxiety or panic attacks that you have mental health problems, which is true in some ways but not others. If I can help or reach out to ONE person and help them or help them come to an understanding with Anxiety and also help them with ways to cope with it or deal with it then my job is done :)

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